When I looked back on the past year of my life and the complete lack of meaningful romantic interaction, I came up with a few ideas as to why I can't seem to land a date.
Reason 1: I'm a weird age
I'm 25. That's a weird age to be right now. Young guys don't wanna talk to anyone over 24 and older guys don't wanna talk to anyone under 30. I'm in that weird twenty-something stage where no one is sure if I'm completely immature or if I've gotten all the crazy out of my system yet. Lots of people my age that I know (between the ages of 25-29) are experiencing the same thing. Let me just say that a person's age is not always an indicator of maturity. It can be a factor, yes, but it's not always.
Reason 2: I can't drive
You heard me. The gay loser can't drive. Why can't I drive? I never learned. Why haven't I learned? Well, I can't answer that concretely. As of right now, a car is not financially viable for me, nor is it necessarily needed. It takes me four minutes to walk to work, five to walk to the grocery store, and I'm literally surrounded by everything I need, barring any serious emergencies. The problem with wanting to date when you don't drive or have a car is that everyone assumes you're a deadbeat. Sure, it means they'll have to pick me up to hang out or for a date, but is that so horrible? Isn't that what people do anyway? And I usually try to make up for it by always paying, whether it be dinner, a movie, etc. If I can't drive you to your fun, I at least try to pay for it. Does that sound like a deadbeat to you?
Reason 3: I'm a homebody
I grew up very, very quickly. By the time I was 18, I had drank, smoked, done drugs, gone to clubs, and lived quite dangerously for someone so young. I became a homebody at an age when most people are beginning to branch out and try those things. Now, don't mistake "homebody" for "hermit". I like to go out and do things. But I'm much more into spending evenings at home, preferably with someone I'm courting. We can watch movies, play games, or maybe (JUST MAYBE) hold a conversation. It's hard to find someone who doesn't want to be everywhere and do everything under the sun. I like to be low key. But if the opportunity for something fun comes along (the fair, a movie, a concert, etc.), you bet your sweet bippy I'm gonna go! I just like to be at home more than most.
Reason 4: I don't make a ton of money
I work in retail. I make 9 bucks an hour for 25 hours of work per week. That doesn't translate into a lot of extra money for me. So I have a tiny apartment, an outdated phone, an ancient computer, and I'm pretty sure I've been wearing the same shirt for a week now. I don't have the best job, the fanciest clothes, the nicest apartment, or any status symbols. I'm just a guy who works and pays his bills. Is that so bad? I've never cared about that. If someone wants to take me to McDonald's for a first date, I would welcome that with open arms. It's all about the company and the chemistry. Why do we as daters think we need to spend an inordinate amount of money to impress people? It's silly.
Reason 5: I'm not that cute
Don't get me wrong; I don't think I'm a total gargoyle. But I'm no male model by any stretch of imagination. I'm just a guy who's decidedly average. I have some skin imperfections, I have an extra pound here and there, and I'm short. The dating game is an attractive person's game, and if it's decided that you're not attractive, you're not worth dating. I guess the reason I don't understand this is because I have such a wide range of attractions. Sure, there are traits I find enticing, but they are by no means a requirement. I'm the kind of person that can walk into a room and find something attractive about everyone. So it's hard for me to fathom dating based solely on the idea of physical appearance, especially when that's no indicator to someone's personality or compatibility with you.
Reason 6: I won't have sex on the first date (or second, or third, and so on...)
The older I get, the more I really desire company over sex. I define dating as seeing a lot of different people and making a decision as to which one of them might be a suitable long term mate. Once I decide who that person is and make a commitment to them, that's when we can...ya know. But before that? Not for this guy. Not anymore. There's too many emotions and too many chances for hurt feelings that come with casual sex and I refuse to put myself through that again. Once we progress past dating, then we can talk about that. Until then, let's just enjoy each other's company. Because I don't know you that well yet. I'm no prude, I have just set standards for myself that need to be respected if I'm to spend time with you.
That about sums me up.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Plenty Of Fish? Plenty Of Crap.
Let's face it. At one time or another, most of us have turned to the Internet to find love, a date, or even a simple romp in the sheets. And I'm here to say that I'm done with it. Today, I'm in the process of cancelling every membership I have on every dating site or app. And here's why.
Reason 1: Everybody's just after sex.
It's no secret that the gay culture is a very sexual one. Most sites and apps geared towards men meeting men are so driven by sex that it's hard for an Average Gay Joe like myself to find an actual date. I'll admit to having quite a wild past, but I am not a promiscuous man. That being said, I'm also not a prude. I'm just the kind of person who would rather take someone to the movies than to my bed. The older I get (which is strange to say, because I'm only 25), the more I am interested in a person's mind, goals, dreams for the future, and outlook on life. I'm looking for a potential partner, not just one-night stands. And on most dating sites and apps, that all there seems to be. It's frustrating.
Reason 2: People are so deceptive!
Have you ever agreed to meet someone you met online only to realize that they look nothing like their picture? Or maybe there was a detail of their life (occupation, living situation) that they left out or embellished upon? Honesty on these websites is hard to find. Less-than-desirable traits are usually omitted from most profiles (and omission is form of lying in my book). I can understand why, though. You want to make a good impression. So we use only the best pictures (sometimes Photoshopped) and the best information (sometimes embellished). I, on the other hand, prefer people to see me as I really am. Everyone on these sites try so hard to look like uber-successful supermodels that a guy like me who just tries to look like himself gets overlooked. So I take pictures that really look like me and I offer REAL information. If I don't get any hits because of that, so be it.
Reason 3: People are flat-out mean.
"If you ask me, you're pretty pathetic." That was the last message I received before I began cancelling all my subscriptions and profiles. I don't know when it became so fashionable to be so mean, but it seems to be. If someone isn't your cup of tea, there are much better ways to tell them you're not interested. You don't have to be mean about it. There are tons of reasons I get rejected: I'm not the thinnest guy in the world, I don't have a car, I don't have a great paying job, and I don't live in some fancy condo. The person I quoted earlier made that comment when I told him these things. Do I not deserve to court someone because I can't drive? Do I not deserve to be an object of affection because I make $9 an hour? And even if I don't, you can be polite about it instead of putting me down about something I'm already self-conscious about.
Reason 4: It's just not as meaningful.
Maybe I've seen one too many rom-coms. Maybe I've been spoiled by teen dramas and Jennifer Aniston. But I'd much more prefer to meet someone in person. I'd like to be shopping in the grocery store and bump into someone. Oh, we buy the same kind of cereal? What a conversation starter! I wish we could go back to the old days where it took more effort to find someone than just signing up on a website. It takes the thrill and the meaning out of it. Sure, it makes it a little easier. But reasons 3, 2, and 1 are reason enough for me to long for the way it used to be.
Reason 1: Everybody's just after sex.
It's no secret that the gay culture is a very sexual one. Most sites and apps geared towards men meeting men are so driven by sex that it's hard for an Average Gay Joe like myself to find an actual date. I'll admit to having quite a wild past, but I am not a promiscuous man. That being said, I'm also not a prude. I'm just the kind of person who would rather take someone to the movies than to my bed. The older I get (which is strange to say, because I'm only 25), the more I am interested in a person's mind, goals, dreams for the future, and outlook on life. I'm looking for a potential partner, not just one-night stands. And on most dating sites and apps, that all there seems to be. It's frustrating.
Reason 2: People are so deceptive!
Have you ever agreed to meet someone you met online only to realize that they look nothing like their picture? Or maybe there was a detail of their life (occupation, living situation) that they left out or embellished upon? Honesty on these websites is hard to find. Less-than-desirable traits are usually omitted from most profiles (and omission is form of lying in my book). I can understand why, though. You want to make a good impression. So we use only the best pictures (sometimes Photoshopped) and the best information (sometimes embellished). I, on the other hand, prefer people to see me as I really am. Everyone on these sites try so hard to look like uber-successful supermodels that a guy like me who just tries to look like himself gets overlooked. So I take pictures that really look like me and I offer REAL information. If I don't get any hits because of that, so be it.
Reason 3: People are flat-out mean.
"If you ask me, you're pretty pathetic." That was the last message I received before I began cancelling all my subscriptions and profiles. I don't know when it became so fashionable to be so mean, but it seems to be. If someone isn't your cup of tea, there are much better ways to tell them you're not interested. You don't have to be mean about it. There are tons of reasons I get rejected: I'm not the thinnest guy in the world, I don't have a car, I don't have a great paying job, and I don't live in some fancy condo. The person I quoted earlier made that comment when I told him these things. Do I not deserve to court someone because I can't drive? Do I not deserve to be an object of affection because I make $9 an hour? And even if I don't, you can be polite about it instead of putting me down about something I'm already self-conscious about.
Reason 4: It's just not as meaningful.
Maybe I've seen one too many rom-coms. Maybe I've been spoiled by teen dramas and Jennifer Aniston. But I'd much more prefer to meet someone in person. I'd like to be shopping in the grocery store and bump into someone. Oh, we buy the same kind of cereal? What a conversation starter! I wish we could go back to the old days where it took more effort to find someone than just signing up on a website. It takes the thrill and the meaning out of it. Sure, it makes it a little easier. But reasons 3, 2, and 1 are reason enough for me to long for the way it used to be.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Being Black and gay is hard.
For those who haven't been able to discern just yet, I'm Black. Throughout my adult life, I have never felt quite comfortable as a gay Black man and there are six main reasons why.
Reason 1: The myth.
You've all heard it. "Once you go Black, you never go back". And the reason you never go back is because we Black men are apparently so red-hot, passionate, well-endowed dynamos in bed that put any other ethnicity to shame. I hate to break it to you, but we Black guys have just as many chances of being tiny and awful in bed as any other race does. I'm quite average in bed, in spite of my above average endowment (wink, wink). I simply refuse to be thought of this way. I'm a person with thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I will not be someone's big, Black Mandingo fantasy.
Reason 2: The fetish.
This ties in a lot with Reason 1, but differed enough to stand on its own. In my dating life, especially recently, I've come across a lot of guys who express interest in me for no reason other than me being Black. They may not even be all that attracted to me, but their desire to create a "chocolate/vanilla swirl" makes them chase any Black man they see. And yes, someone actually used that line on me once, if you're wondering. Race fetishizing, to me, is an unfair practice. Whether it be for Black men, Asian women, or anyone. Get to know the person inside.
Reason 3: The white guilt.
Slavery happened. The Civil Rights Movement happened. The NAACP happened. We know these things. However, I as a Black man do not cling to these things. They are in the past. It's okay to feel sad and sorrowful about what happened to people in the past, but let it go. I am speaking to the White men (and people in general) who feel as though they MUST be in love with a Black person in order to make up for what happened to Black people in the past. You don't honor us by deferring to us.
Reason 4: The media.
When it was running, Queer As Folk was one of my favorite shows. But the lack of non-White characters always bothered me. Then Noah's Arc happened and the lack of non-Black characters always bothered me. Basically, what I'm getting at is that I feel like gay Black men aren't really present in gay media except to be an object or desire (see Reasons 1 and 2) or if it's a Black-only gay show or movie. Turn on any gay movie or show, visit any gay website...point proven. Black people and White people CAN coexist, people. It happens every day.
Reason 5: The racism.
Some gay men, if you can believe it, are just plain racist. A lot of people seem to think that if a person is gay, they are somehow immune to harboring any kind of prejudice. This notion is laughable. Gay people are just as capable of being racist as anyone.
Reason 6: The stereotype.
A lot of people won't date a certain group of people based on preconceived notions, and this ties into Reason 5 a lot. I won't go into what those stereotypes are, because we all know them. But a stereotype is just that. A stereotype.
Basically, to reiterate my first point, I've never felt 100% comfortable being gay and Black. The things I've listed, however, are progressing slowly. Hopefully in time, I won't have to post blogs like this anymore.
Reason 1: The myth.
You've all heard it. "Once you go Black, you never go back". And the reason you never go back is because we Black men are apparently so red-hot, passionate, well-endowed dynamos in bed that put any other ethnicity to shame. I hate to break it to you, but we Black guys have just as many chances of being tiny and awful in bed as any other race does. I'm quite average in bed, in spite of my above average endowment (wink, wink). I simply refuse to be thought of this way. I'm a person with thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I will not be someone's big, Black Mandingo fantasy.
Reason 2: The fetish.
This ties in a lot with Reason 1, but differed enough to stand on its own. In my dating life, especially recently, I've come across a lot of guys who express interest in me for no reason other than me being Black. They may not even be all that attracted to me, but their desire to create a "chocolate/vanilla swirl" makes them chase any Black man they see. And yes, someone actually used that line on me once, if you're wondering. Race fetishizing, to me, is an unfair practice. Whether it be for Black men, Asian women, or anyone. Get to know the person inside.
Reason 3: The white guilt.
Slavery happened. The Civil Rights Movement happened. The NAACP happened. We know these things. However, I as a Black man do not cling to these things. They are in the past. It's okay to feel sad and sorrowful about what happened to people in the past, but let it go. I am speaking to the White men (and people in general) who feel as though they MUST be in love with a Black person in order to make up for what happened to Black people in the past. You don't honor us by deferring to us.
Reason 4: The media.
When it was running, Queer As Folk was one of my favorite shows. But the lack of non-White characters always bothered me. Then Noah's Arc happened and the lack of non-Black characters always bothered me. Basically, what I'm getting at is that I feel like gay Black men aren't really present in gay media except to be an object or desire (see Reasons 1 and 2) or if it's a Black-only gay show or movie. Turn on any gay movie or show, visit any gay website...point proven. Black people and White people CAN coexist, people. It happens every day.
Reason 5: The racism.
Some gay men, if you can believe it, are just plain racist. A lot of people seem to think that if a person is gay, they are somehow immune to harboring any kind of prejudice. This notion is laughable. Gay people are just as capable of being racist as anyone.
Reason 6: The stereotype.
A lot of people won't date a certain group of people based on preconceived notions, and this ties into Reason 5 a lot. I won't go into what those stereotypes are, because we all know them. But a stereotype is just that. A stereotype.
Basically, to reiterate my first point, I've never felt 100% comfortable being gay and Black. The things I've listed, however, are progressing slowly. Hopefully in time, I won't have to post blogs like this anymore.
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