Afraid of my reflection.

"Afraid of my reflection. Tell me that's not me I see... Stuck somewhere in the middle, on half full or half empty." - Janet Jackson, "Better Days" (All For You, 2001)

I've been diagnosed with depression three times in my life. At 13, 19, and 23. It's a problem that has affected my daily life for years, sometimes more than others. The reason I'm writing this particular post today is because there seem to be those people who can't seem to distinguish two very different concepts: being depressed and having depression. Sounds like I'm splitting hairs, right? Well, maybe I am. In any case, those two concepts have two very different meanings to me and I will speak to them as they pertain to my life.

My particular brand of depression seems to be characterized by a fairly normal day-to-day life, peppered with bouts of extreme sadness that come out of nowhere. Times when the mere thought of getting out of bed seems like taking on the world and everything I love seems pointless. Nothing necessarily happens to make me feel that way, but anything negative that I feel is seemingly multiplied by fifty. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't eat (or overeat...it depends). I don't look at myself in the mirror. I can't sleep. I call these "funks". Sometimes, they only last a day. Sometimes a week. Once (and I counted), I had a funk last for 78 days.

One of the worst questions you could ever ask me is, "Have you ever tried not being depressed?" Don't you think that if I had a choice between being depressed and not being depressed, I would choose the latter? I'm not a doctor, and I haven't extensively researched the topic of depression. However, I have noted in my own life that there seems to be two kinds. I call them incidental depression (or "being depressed") and mental depression (or "having depression"). 

My definition of incidental depression is when something happens to depress you. This could be a number of things: a death in the family, the ending of a relationship, losing a job, things like that. These things are understandably depressing. Incidental depression can indeed be long lasting, but for the most part, they are things that can be healed with time. Hence, "being depressed".

My definition of mental depression is when you're just blue for no particular reason at all, such as when I get into one of my funks. I'm currently in a funk as I write this. There are people who know me and my think they know what's causing my funk, but the fact of the matter is, nothing caused it. It happens. With mental depression, there's really nothing I can do but wait it out (you could always medicate, but I'm not big on that).  It comes and goes as it pleases and I just have to be along for the ride. Some people call this clinical depression, and seek medical attention because of it. It's an actual mental disorder, not really caused by any one event. Hence, "having depression".

To sum up:
Incidental depression: something happened to make you sad.
Mental depression: you're sad for no reason.

Life is a never-ending battle. We all have our own individual problems that we face every day. But for those of us who suffer from depression, it's a little harder. Whether it's mental depression or incidental depression, these aren't feelings that people choose. No one wakes up in the morning and says, "Gee! I'd sure like to be depressed today!" So my advice to anyone would be this: instead of asking people if they've ever tried not being depressed, and instead of simply telling people to get over it, be supportive. Offer them a listening ear. Offer them advice. Tell them to see a doctor. Anything other than brushing it off or trivializing their feelings. And if they're difficult about it, give them their space.

It's that easy.

That one gay loser,
-Brian

Get with it. It was just a weekend love.

"A weekend love is all it was. Nothing serious because we're playing games. We're only young. Get with it. It was just a weekend love." - The Spice Girls, "Weekend Love" (Forever, 2000)

Whether it was purposely or by accident, there are a great many of us who have been involved in that touchy situation known as “friends with benefits”. The advice contained here is for those who have never experienced it, are curious about it, or want to know how to survive it. My first piece of advice for you is this: you had better have one damn thick skin. You could wind up very, very hurt.

First, a personal anecdote.  Recently, I became involved in a friends with benefits situation. It all seemed to be going quite swimmingly. That is, until I did the unthinkable and caught feelings. Not only did I do that, but I got stupid and told the person how I felt. First, things got sensationally awkward. Then the contact stopped (no calls, no texts, no emails, nothing). I haven’t heard from him in weeks. Below, I've written up a list of three rules that can help you survive a situation like this if you’re brave enough to attempt it. 

Rule 1: Never use the words "like" or "love". Even if you feel them.

The final nail in my situation's coffin was when I told him, "I haven't been this into somebody in a really long time." Contact ceased 100 percent after that. A friends with benefits situation is meant to be casual, with no intentions or promises of commitment or exclusive attachment. But hey. We're only human. There are some of us who will catch those feelings and want to voice them. This can make your FWB situation very awkward or even end it, like in my case. If you feel these things, it's up to you whether or not you want to carry on the relationship (and I use that term loosely). You can tough it out, or you can spare yourself the headache. There is a chance that the other person feels the same way about you, but it's best not to even cross that road unless you're sure.

Rule 2: Don't overdo cuddling.

If you're like me, you know the absolute joy of cuddling up on a rainy day, watching a movie, stroking each other's hair, all that ooey-gooey rom-com stuff. In my opinion, though, that's something couples do. And while you and your FWB may be more intimate than simple friends, you're not a couple. Speaking from experience, overdoing the cuddling can take you to a place emotionally where you maybe be apt to break Rule 1. It can be so nice that it can be the cause of your developing feelings for the other person. Keep it light. Keep it casual. Don't delve too deep.

Rule 3: Just. Don't. Do. It.

If you want my honest opinion, the idea of having a friend with benefits is overrated and emotionally dangerous. Humans are emotional creatures. This is no secret. However, there are those select few who are able to "turn it on and off". I can tell you right now that I'm not one of them. Once I've become attached to someone through physical intimacy and time spent together, once I feel that chemistry, once I know in my heart and mind that I'm into someone, I can't shake it. It's there. And if those feelings aren't returned, it feels like the wind's been knocked out of you. I'll admit to shedding a tear or two (or several more than that) regarding the situation of mine that just recently ended. But I'm wiser for it. From now on, I will do my best to reserve my feelings for someone who will be able to return them. If you're more relationship-minded, a friends with benefits situation will leave you unfulfilled and sad. So just don't even do it. Your efforts are better spent on someone who will truly like and/or love you.

What do you think? Have you ever been in a situation like this? Are you now? How did you handle things? Leave me a comment and tell me all about it. 

Until next time.

That one gay loser,

Brian

I hope you will enjoy the show.

Welcome to That One Gay Loser.
Don't worry. The name will grow on you.

I'm your blogmaster, a decidedly average 25 year old who doesn't really fit the gay mold. Not that there necessarily is a mold...but if there was...I'm sure I wouldn't fit it. I'm just a guy with opinions. Some of them are popular, some of them aren't, and some are gonna get me chewed out. But they're my opinions and I stick by them. Here on TOGL, you'll find my musings about gay life, not-so-gay life, and everything in between.

The moment I decided to write TOGL, I was net-hopping for a gay-penned blog with a little more depth than the average one. Let's just say my success was limited. It was a tad frustrating, really. How many posts in one day can one really enjoy when the primary topic is some celebrity with his shirt off? Are we that vapid? Are we that shallow? Why should I even care? The reason I care is because none of that stuff is for me. Some of us don't care about all that. Some of us have deeper intentions for reading a blog. I once had an English teacher who told me that the reason people become writers is because they have ideas they don't feel are represented enough; they feel like something is missing. And that's exactly why I began writing TOGL. A gay-penned blog that isn't inundated with shirtless man pictures? Who'da thunk it?!

Even Lady Gaga feels
like a loser sometimes.
I feel ya, sister!

About the name. Do I really think I'm a loser? Nah. Do I feel like one sometimes? Of course. Don't we all? Call me a pessimist, but I've grown weary of reading overly optimistic blogs about how everything is sunshine and rainbows and how we all need to join hands and love one another. Those things are all well and good, but sometimes life just bites the big one. Work sucks, relationships fail, and there's turmoil all over the planet. And in the midst of it all, there's me: a bitter twenty-something who can't get a date. Loooosssseeeerrrr. This blog isn't about perpetuating negativity, though. It's about life and the human experience. And some of life is indeed negative.

Life is hard, but it's harder when you're gay. As gay people, we have to have a different way of thinking and going about certain things. And as a gay blogger, I want TOGL to have a great deal to do with gay life from unfair dating practices to my complete and utter disdain for drag queens (that's right, they scare me). You can agree or disagree, but the content of this blog is ultimately decided by me, not by criticisms. That being said, I'm not as big of a tool as this initial post indicates. I'm really quite friendly.

To anyone who may be reading this, keep watching this spot and look for updates to this blog often.

Sincerely,
That one gay loser,
Brian