I'm no relationship expert. I have more exes than I care to mention. I'm probably one of the last people who should be giving relationship advice. Yet, here I am. Recently, I rekindled a romance with a former paramour of mine. We've been off and on again for the past year and I would really like to keep it on as long as possible. When I think back to all of the things that made us go off each other, I decided to sit down and come up with a list I can refer to whenever I feel things starting to go south with us. The list is as follows.
Do communicate. Don't shut down.
One of the main nails in the coffin in a relationship is a lack of communication. How is your significant other supposed to know what you're thinking if you don't say it? We're not psychics. We're not always in tune to what others are thinking. That's why we need to make our feelings known in a way that isn't super confrontational. I myself have a bad habit of shutting down when I hear something I don't like. I just kind of sit there and stare off into space, and that isn't doing anything but fueling the fire. Learn to have open dialogues that end with love and not with anger.
Do give space. Don't smother.
Even within the confines of a relationship, a person should be given space. This helps them maintain their individuality, gives them time to focus on their own lives, and also gives them time to miss their significant other. There's nothing wrong with not seeing your partner for a few days. If anything, it'll keep the relationship fresh by giving you time to miss them. Too much time together can create friction and resentment. Plus, it's not good to spend ALL your time together. Even if you live together, you each need time to breathe and be yourself. If you were meant to spend every waking moment together, you would be surgically attached at the hip. Being happy alone will make you happy together.
Do disagree. Don't fight.
Couples fighting is about as inevitable as Miley's next twerk video. It's gonna happen. We all know it's gonna happen. But we don't want it to happen. Nobody likes to argue. The least we can do is do it in a way that will be constructive. It's entirely possible to have a discussion without turning it into a giant blame game. Talk about how you feel without being accusatory. Talk about yourself and your own feelings and actions before talking about those of your partner. See things from both sides and all angles. A good habit is to begin and end every discussion with love. Don't go to bed mad.
Do be intimate. Don't overvalue sex.
The "S" word is a big part of many relationships. But far too often, it is elevated and overvalued. There are far more important parts of a relationship than romps in the sheets. The longer you've been with a person, the more you should expect your sex lives together to dwindle. If this is a problem, perhaps a long term relationship isn't the route you should be embarking upon. When you truly love a person, the amount of sex becomes less of an issue. You become thankful for their company in and out of the bedroom. If your significant other declines sex one night and you brood about it for days, you need to think about what you're doing with them. Remember, no means no. Do not pressure anyone into sex in order to have your love or attention. That's just low.
Do grant freedom. Don't be possessive.
I can't stand it when people tell me "I think it's so cute when a girl/guy gets jealous!" It's those same people who wind up in a relationship and end up saying "He/she's so jealous! I can't go anywhere!" This ties in a bit with Do give space. Don't smother. If your significant other had a social life before you, they should have a social life after you. A night out with the guys should not be a stab in the back. Allow your significant other to have friends of any gender and to hang out with them whether or not you're present. As rude as it sounds, sometimes they may just want some time away from you. And this is a natural feeling. It's not an insult.
Do love. Don't NOT love.
Plain and simple. If you're not in love, you don't need to act like it. You shouldn't fake feelings to keep someone around. You need to be upfront with how you feel, even if it may hurt someone. At least they'll know, and they'll be able to act accordingly, even if it means finding someone else.
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