5 Things I Hate About Serving

I became a server recently. Find out what I can't stand about it.

 

 

I'm terrible at being gay.

It's recently been brought to my attention that I am a terrible gay man and that my "gay card" should have been revoked years ago. I am deeply ashamed of myself and would like to issue the following apologies to the gay community at large:

I'm sorry I don't know fashion.
I'm sorry I don't revere the divas.
I'm sorry I don't know what Stonewall is. 
I'm sorry I don't broadcast.
I'm sorry I don't like drag queens.
I'm sorry I'm boring.
I'm sorry I'm not attractive.

Hopefully, you were able to detect the sarcasm in those statements and realize that I'm not the least bit sorry for any of those things. Speaking very, very generally, the gay community is obsessed with things that don't mean anything to me. So, this is my apology.

I'm sorry I don't know fashion. I can't name one fashion designer. F**k me, right? I shop at Walmart like a regular person, or even at a thrift store if I'm hard up for cash. I wear something because it's comfortable, not because it's cute or because it's making some bold statement. For God's sake, they're just clothes. I don't need to be dressed to the nines just to go grocery shopping. What red carpet are you walking on in your mind that forces you to buy ridiculously expensive clothes by some Italian guy, then ridicule those who don't?

I'm sorry I don't revere the divas. Cher, Madonna, Gaga, Donna Summer, yada yada yada. They are our goddesses and we must bow down whenever we see them. Yes? No. Sure, I love Gaga, I like Donna Summer, and I have a tumultuous love/hate relationship with Madonna. Star worship in general is annoying, but gay men take it to the next level with diva worship. Calm down. Calm all the way down. Tell some gay men that you don't care for Barbra Streisand and you'd better run for your very life. They will kill you.

I'm sorry I don't know what Stonewall is. Have I mentioned that I'm only 26? There's a lot of knowledge of the world and the past that I haven't come across. Why should I be the subject of ridicule because I don't know what Stonewall is? When I want to learn what Stonewall is, I will. The older generation of gay men (and some of the younger ones set out to impress the older ones) are always jumping on us younger guys for not being aware. Well, how about instead of being jerks about it, you educate us? And by "educate us", I don't mean "scream and insult us". Calm allllllll the way down.

I'm sorry I don't broadcast. So apparently, I'm ashamed of being gay because "gay" isn't the third word out of my mouth in every sentence. At least, that's how one person puts it. I don't introduce myself as gay, the same why straight people don't introduce themselves as such. That doesn't indicate shame. It indicates the fact that I don't know this person well enough yet to start talking about my love life, which is the only reason they'd need to know I was gay. I am an openly gay man and when questioned about my life, I am honest. But I don't need to wear a pink triangle and scream "gay, gay, gay" at the top of my lungs in order to be.

I'm sorry I don't like drag queens. Drag queens scare me. Legitimately. When I see them, I become anxious and sweaty and want to run away screaming. A friend of mine once theorized that my fear of drag queens comes from my fear of clowns. She was on to something. Think about it. Overly made up, larger than life entertainment figures who are comically aggressive. That could describe either clowns or drag queens. Not to say that drag queens are clowns or vice versa, but it certainly does put my fear into perspective. So if you ever think to invite me to a drag show...perish the thought.

I'm sorry I'm boring. I don't go to a bar or club unless I'm dragged out. And even then, there's only about a 25% chance that I'll have a good time. I've discussed my homebody status in previous posts, so I won't do the same here. But I will say that being told I have no life because I don't live in the clubs is tiresome.

I'm sorry I'm not attractive. Somewhere in Gay Law, it has been indicated that in order to be a true homosexual, one must also be a gym rat. I don't think I've ever been to a gym and the thought of working out makes me want to cry. Just look around at any gay-themed site, especially dating sites. What's the first thing you see? Likely, it'll be some impossibly attractive man put there to sell sex. Sorry we can't all look like Calvin Klein models. Sorry we don't all have perfect (usually white) skin and six packs. Get over it.

I'm sorry you don't accept me. I really am. You would think that one of the world's most prominent minorities would come together and accept one another instead of berating each other for things that, quite frankly, don't matter. Why do we constantly tear each other down instead of building each other up? Why do we exclude people from our clique instead of embracing everybody equally? Why?

The Gay Loser's Dos and Don'ts of Relationships

I'm no relationship expert. I have more exes than I care to mention. I'm probably one of the last people who should be giving relationship advice. Yet, here I am. Recently, I rekindled a romance with a former paramour of mine. We've been off and on again for the past year and I would really like to keep it on as long as possible. When I think back to all of the things that made us go off each other, I decided to sit down and come up with a list I can refer to whenever I feel things starting to go south with us. The list is as follows.

Do communicate. Don't shut down.
One of the main nails in the coffin in a relationship is a lack of communication. How is your significant other supposed to know what you're thinking if you don't say it? We're not psychics. We're not always in tune to what others are thinking. That's why we need to make our feelings known in a way that isn't super confrontational. I myself have a bad habit of shutting down when I hear something I don't like. I just kind of sit there and stare off into space, and that isn't doing anything but fueling the fire. Learn to have open dialogues that end with love and not with anger.

Do give space. Don't smother.
Even within the confines of a relationship, a person should be given space. This helps them maintain their individuality, gives them time to focus on their own lives, and also gives them time to miss their significant other. There's nothing wrong with not seeing your partner for a few days. If anything, it'll keep the relationship fresh by giving you time to miss them. Too much time together can create friction and resentment. Plus, it's not good to spend ALL your time together. Even if you live together, you each need time to breathe and be yourself. If you were meant to spend every waking moment together, you would be surgically attached at the hip. Being happy alone will make you happy together.

Do disagree. Don't fight.
Couples fighting is about as inevitable as Miley's next twerk video. It's gonna happen. We all know it's gonna happen. But we don't want it to happen. Nobody likes to argue. The least we can do is do it in a way that will be constructive. It's entirely possible to have a discussion without turning it into a giant blame game. Talk about how you feel without being accusatory. Talk about yourself and your own feelings and actions before talking about those of your partner. See things from both sides and all angles. A good habit is to begin and end every discussion with love. Don't go to bed mad.

Do be intimate. Don't overvalue sex.
The "S" word is a big part of many relationships. But far too often, it is elevated and overvalued. There are far more important parts of a relationship than romps in the sheets. The longer you've been with a person, the more you should expect your sex lives together to dwindle. If this is a problem, perhaps a long term relationship isn't the route you should be embarking upon. When you truly love a person, the amount of sex becomes less of an issue. You become thankful for their company in and out of the bedroom. If your significant other declines sex one night and you brood about it for days, you need to think about what you're doing with them. Remember, no means no. Do not pressure anyone into sex in order to have your love or attention. That's just low.

Do grant freedom. Don't be possessive.
I can't stand it when people tell me "I think it's so cute when a girl/guy gets jealous!" It's those same people who wind up in a relationship and end up saying "He/she's so jealous! I can't go anywhere!" This ties in a bit with Do give space. Don't smother. If your significant other had a social life before you, they should have a social life after you. A night out with the guys should not be a stab in the back. Allow your significant other to have friends of any gender and to hang out with them whether or not you're present. As rude as it sounds, sometimes they may just want some time away from you. And this is a natural feeling. It's not an insult.

Do love. Don't NOT love.
Plain and simple. If you're not in love, you don't need to act like it. You shouldn't fake feelings to keep someone around. You need to be upfront with how you feel, even if it may hurt someone. At least they'll know, and they'll be able to act accordingly, even if it means finding someone else.

Reasons I've decided I'm not dateable.

When I looked back on the past year of my life and the complete lack of meaningful romantic interaction, I came up with a few ideas as to why I can't seem to land a date.

Reason 1: I'm a weird age
I'm 25. That's a weird age to be right now. Young guys don't wanna talk to anyone over 24 and older guys don't wanna talk to anyone under 30. I'm in that weird twenty-something stage where no one is sure if I'm completely immature or if I've gotten all the crazy out of my system yet. Lots of people my age that I know (between the ages of 25-29) are experiencing the same thing. Let me just say that a person's age is not always an indicator of maturity. It can be a factor, yes, but it's not always.


Reason 2: I can't drive
You heard me. The gay loser can't drive. Why can't I drive? I never learned. Why haven't I learned? Well, I can't answer that concretely. As of right now, a car is not financially viable for me, nor is it necessarily needed. It takes me four minutes to walk to work, five to walk to the grocery store, and I'm literally surrounded by everything I need, barring any serious emergencies. The problem with wanting to date when you don't drive or have a car is that everyone assumes you're a deadbeat. Sure, it means they'll have to pick me up to hang out or for a date, but is that so horrible? Isn't that what people do anyway? And I usually try to make up for it by always paying, whether it be dinner, a movie, etc. If I can't drive you to your fun, I at least try to pay for it. Does that sound like a deadbeat to you?


Reason 3: I'm a homebody
I grew up very, very quickly. By the time I was 18, I had drank, smoked, done drugs, gone to clubs, and lived quite dangerously for someone so young. I became a homebody at an age when most people are beginning to branch out and try those things. Now, don't mistake "homebody" for "hermit". I like to go out and do things. But I'm much more into spending evenings at home, preferably with someone I'm courting. We can watch movies, play games, or maybe (JUST MAYBE) hold a conversation. It's hard to find someone who doesn't want to be everywhere and do everything under the sun. I like to be low key. But if the opportunity for something fun comes along (the fair, a movie, a concert, etc.), you bet your sweet bippy I'm gonna go! I just like to be at home more than most.

Reason 4: I don't make a ton of money
I work in retail. I make 9 bucks an hour for 25 hours of work per week. That doesn't translate into a lot of extra money for me. So I have a tiny apartment, an outdated phone, an ancient computer, and I'm pretty sure I've been wearing the same shirt for a week now. I don't have the best job, the fanciest clothes, the nicest apartment, or any status symbols. I'm just a guy who works and pays his bills. Is that so bad? I've never cared about that. If someone wants to take me to McDonald's for a first date, I would welcome that with open arms. It's all about the company and the chemistry. Why do we as daters think we need to spend an inordinate amount of money to impress people? It's silly.

Reason 5: I'm not that cute
Don't get me wrong; I don't think I'm a total gargoyle. But I'm no male model by any stretch of imagination. I'm just a guy who's decidedly average. I have some skin imperfections, I have an extra pound here and there, and I'm short. The dating game is an attractive person's game, and if it's decided that you're not attractive, you're not worth dating. I guess the reason I don't understand this is because I have such a wide range of attractions. Sure, there are traits I find enticing, but they are by no means a requirement. I'm the kind of person that can walk into a room and find something attractive about everyone. So it's hard for me to fathom dating based solely on the idea of physical appearance, especially when that's no indicator to someone's personality or compatibility with you.

Reason 6: I won't have sex on the first date (or second, or third, and so on...)
The older I get, the more I really desire company over sex. I define dating as seeing a lot of different people and making a decision as to which one of them might be a suitable long term mate. Once I decide who that person is and make a commitment to them, that's when we can...ya know. But before that? Not for this guy. Not anymore. There's too many emotions and too many chances for hurt feelings that come with casual sex and I refuse to put myself through that again. Once we progress past dating, then we can talk about that. Until then, let's just enjoy each other's company. Because I don't know you that well yet. I'm no prude, I have just set standards for myself that need to be respected if I'm to spend time with you.

That about sums me up.

Plenty Of Fish? Plenty Of Crap.

Let's face it. At one time or another, most of us have turned to the Internet to find love, a date, or even a simple romp in the sheets. And I'm here to say that I'm done with it. Today, I'm in the process of cancelling every membership I have on every dating site or app. And here's why.

Reason 1: Everybody's just after sex.
It's no secret that the gay culture is a very sexual one. Most sites and apps geared towards men meeting men are so driven by sex that it's hard for an Average Gay Joe like myself to find an actual date. I'll admit to having quite a wild past, but I am not a promiscuous man. That being said, I'm also not a prude. I'm just the kind of person who would rather take someone to the movies than to my bed. The older I get (which is strange to say, because I'm only 25), the more I am interested in a person's mind, goals, dreams for the future, and outlook on life. I'm looking for a potential partner, not just one-night stands. And on most dating sites and apps, that all there seems to be. It's frustrating.

Reason 2: People are so deceptive!
Have you ever agreed to meet someone you met online only to realize that they look nothing like their picture? Or maybe there was a detail of their life (occupation, living situation) that they left out or embellished upon? Honesty on these websites is hard to find. Less-than-desirable traits are usually omitted from most profiles (and omission is form of lying in my book). I can understand why, though. You want to make a good impression. So we use only the best pictures (sometimes Photoshopped) and the best information (sometimes embellished). I, on the other hand, prefer people to see me as I really am. Everyone on these sites try so hard to look like uber-successful supermodels that a guy like me who just tries to look like himself gets overlooked. So I take pictures that really look like me and I offer REAL information. If I don't get any hits because of that, so be it.

Reason 3: People are flat-out mean.
"If you ask me, you're pretty pathetic." That was the last message I received before I began cancelling all my subscriptions and profiles. I don't know when it became so fashionable to be so mean, but it seems to be. If someone isn't your cup of tea, there are much better ways to tell them you're not interested. You don't have to be mean about it. There are tons of reasons I get rejected: I'm not the thinnest guy in the world, I don't have a car, I don't have a great paying job, and I don't live in some fancy condo. The person I quoted earlier made that comment when I told him these things. Do I not deserve to court someone because I can't drive? Do I not deserve to be an object of affection because I make $9 an hour? And even if I don't, you can be polite about it instead of putting me down about something I'm already self-conscious about.

Reason 4: It's just not as meaningful.
Maybe I've seen one too many rom-coms. Maybe I've been spoiled by teen dramas and Jennifer Aniston. But I'd much more prefer to meet someone in person. I'd like to be shopping in the grocery store and bump into someone. Oh, we buy the same kind of cereal? What a conversation starter! I wish we could go back to the old days where it took more effort to find someone than just signing up on a website. It takes the thrill and the meaning out of it. Sure, it makes it a little easier. But reasons 3, 2, and 1 are reason enough for me to long for the way it used to be.

Being Black and gay is hard.

For those who haven't been able to discern just yet, I'm Black. Throughout my adult life, I have never felt quite comfortable as a gay Black man and there are six main reasons why.

Reason 1: The myth.
You've all heard it. "Once you go Black, you never go back". And the reason you never go back is because we Black men are apparently so red-hot, passionate, well-endowed dynamos in bed that put any other ethnicity to shame. I hate to break it to you, but we Black guys have just as many chances of being tiny and awful in bed as any other race does. I'm quite average in bed, in spite of my above average endowment (wink, wink). I simply refuse to be thought of this way. I'm a person with thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I will not be someone's big, Black Mandingo fantasy.

Reason 2: The fetish.
This ties in a lot with Reason 1, but differed enough to stand on its own. In my dating life, especially recently, I've come across a lot of guys who express interest in me for no reason other than me being Black. They may not even be all that attracted to me, but their desire to create a "chocolate/vanilla swirl" makes them chase any Black man they see. And yes, someone actually used that line on me once, if you're wondering. Race fetishizing, to me, is an unfair practice. Whether it be for Black men, Asian women, or anyone. Get to know the person inside.

Reason 3: The white guilt.
Slavery happened. The Civil Rights Movement happened. The NAACP happened. We know these things. However, I as a Black man do not cling to these things. They are in the past. It's okay to feel sad and sorrowful about what happened to people in the past, but let it go. I am speaking to the White men (and people in general) who feel as though they MUST be in love with a Black person in order to make up for what happened to Black people in the past. You don't honor us by deferring to us.

Reason 4: The media.
When it was running, Queer As Folk was one of my favorite shows. But the lack of non-White characters always bothered me. Then Noah's Arc happened and the lack of non-Black characters always bothered me. Basically, what I'm getting at is that I feel like gay Black men aren't really present in gay media except to be an object or desire (see Reasons 1 and 2) or if it's a Black-only gay show or movie. Turn on any gay movie or show, visit any gay website...point proven. Black people and White people CAN coexist, people. It happens every day.

Reason 5: The racism.
Some gay men, if you can believe it, are just plain racist. A lot of people seem to think that if a person is gay, they are somehow immune to harboring any kind of prejudice. This notion is laughable. Gay people are just as capable of being racist as anyone.

Reason 6: The stereotype.
A lot of people won't date a certain group of people based on preconceived notions, and this ties into Reason 5 a lot. I won't go into what those stereotypes are, because we all know them. But a stereotype is just that. A stereotype.

Basically, to reiterate my first point, I've never felt 100% comfortable being gay and Black. The things I've listed, however, are progressing slowly. Hopefully in time, I won't have to post blogs like this anymore.

Afraid of my reflection.

"Afraid of my reflection. Tell me that's not me I see... Stuck somewhere in the middle, on half full or half empty." - Janet Jackson, "Better Days" (All For You, 2001)

I've been diagnosed with depression three times in my life. At 13, 19, and 23. It's a problem that has affected my daily life for years, sometimes more than others. The reason I'm writing this particular post today is because there seem to be those people who can't seem to distinguish two very different concepts: being depressed and having depression. Sounds like I'm splitting hairs, right? Well, maybe I am. In any case, those two concepts have two very different meanings to me and I will speak to them as they pertain to my life.

My particular brand of depression seems to be characterized by a fairly normal day-to-day life, peppered with bouts of extreme sadness that come out of nowhere. Times when the mere thought of getting out of bed seems like taking on the world and everything I love seems pointless. Nothing necessarily happens to make me feel that way, but anything negative that I feel is seemingly multiplied by fifty. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't eat (or overeat...it depends). I don't look at myself in the mirror. I can't sleep. I call these "funks". Sometimes, they only last a day. Sometimes a week. Once (and I counted), I had a funk last for 78 days.

One of the worst questions you could ever ask me is, "Have you ever tried not being depressed?" Don't you think that if I had a choice between being depressed and not being depressed, I would choose the latter? I'm not a doctor, and I haven't extensively researched the topic of depression. However, I have noted in my own life that there seems to be two kinds. I call them incidental depression (or "being depressed") and mental depression (or "having depression"). 

My definition of incidental depression is when something happens to depress you. This could be a number of things: a death in the family, the ending of a relationship, losing a job, things like that. These things are understandably depressing. Incidental depression can indeed be long lasting, but for the most part, they are things that can be healed with time. Hence, "being depressed".

My definition of mental depression is when you're just blue for no particular reason at all, such as when I get into one of my funks. I'm currently in a funk as I write this. There are people who know me and my think they know what's causing my funk, but the fact of the matter is, nothing caused it. It happens. With mental depression, there's really nothing I can do but wait it out (you could always medicate, but I'm not big on that).  It comes and goes as it pleases and I just have to be along for the ride. Some people call this clinical depression, and seek medical attention because of it. It's an actual mental disorder, not really caused by any one event. Hence, "having depression".

To sum up:
Incidental depression: something happened to make you sad.
Mental depression: you're sad for no reason.

Life is a never-ending battle. We all have our own individual problems that we face every day. But for those of us who suffer from depression, it's a little harder. Whether it's mental depression or incidental depression, these aren't feelings that people choose. No one wakes up in the morning and says, "Gee! I'd sure like to be depressed today!" So my advice to anyone would be this: instead of asking people if they've ever tried not being depressed, and instead of simply telling people to get over it, be supportive. Offer them a listening ear. Offer them advice. Tell them to see a doctor. Anything other than brushing it off or trivializing their feelings. And if they're difficult about it, give them their space.

It's that easy.

That one gay loser,
-Brian